


the prettiest sight to see (is right within your heart)

by ballumschmallum



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Victorian, Ballum secret Santa 2020, Christmas Fluff, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, abi branning is back from the dead, ben is totally in love with callum, historical period drama, the one where ben is actually engaged, victorian christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28293642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballumschmallum/pseuds/ballumschmallum
Summary: It was ridiculous. Callum had been cooking and catering for the family for almost a year, but for some unrecognisable reason, he gave Ben such a warm sense of security. Whenever Callum was around, he lit up every room brighter than the candles on the Christmas tree. Callum made Ben’s heart race at a thousand miles per hour, which was all distorted to Ben but it felt nice having that tepid fuzzy feeling exploding in his heart.Little did Ben know that when he made his departure from the room, Callum felt the cold take over his presence. Ben’s presence to Callum felt like a fire had been lit and everything was warm and cozy. But now Ben had left, he suddenly felt the chill take over and a void filled his wake.or a Victorian AU where Ben is getting married on Christmas Eve but he cannot seem to take his eyes away from the family cook Callum Highway.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 14
Kudos: 56
Collections: Ballum Secret Santa 2020





	the prettiest sight to see (is right within your heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TakisAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakisAngel/gifts).



> This is a gift for the talented eastendies over on Tumblr for the Ballum Secret Santa gift exchange. You did say that the Victorian era is the GOD tier right?! ;) I hope you enjoy reading this and I have done this justice, and that this fic makes your dreams come true xx
> 
> I was so nervous about posting this but I hope you all like it. It was definitely something different from what I normally write but I did enjoy writing it and I did not expect this to hit over 15k words!! I would love to know what you all think of this as your comments honestly mean the world to me. 
> 
> Also...I know it is highly unlikely that men were cooks in the Victorian era but it just felt right and it fit so well when I was thinking of the plot.

It was a cold blistery morning as Ben witnessed the snow fall rapidly from his window, like a hurricane, coating his back garden in a thick glistening white sheet. He had noticed that the small pond towards the back of the garden and over the fence had completely iced over, and the mucky water that normally had dead autumn leaves that fell from the tree above swimming about had now been replaced by their own homemade ice rink.

Ben really did despise this time of year; wherever you went it was unbearably cold no matter how much you made an effort to keep warm. Ben was always hit with heavy winds whenever he went out for walks in this type of weather. He could only rely on his eyes to make him aware of his surroundings which made him anxious if he was walking alone, because all he could hear was the crackling sounds of the wind blowing through his ears and he honestly could not hear a  _ thing _ , even his good ear let him down in those circumstances. 

Ben’s shoulders started to suddenly tremble in a shiver as he suddenly felt the cold start to seep through the walls. He quickly closed the olive green curtains in an attempt to trap the warm inside. Ben was focused on the task at hand that he did not acknowledge someone come into the room and jumped out of his skin when they touched him on the shoulder, a surprised gasp escaping his lips.

Ben turned around and breathed out a gentle chuckle as he came face to face with his fiancée Abi Branning, who was smiling softly at him, a long sleeved peach pink dress that touched the floor complimenting her figure. Ben and Abi had been childhood best friends for as long as Ben can remember and he cannot specifically remember the details but they just  _ fell in love _ a couple of years ago and now they are engaged to be married this coming Christmas Eve, which was only in a matter of days. 

“I’m sorry darling, I did not see you there,” he says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“Maybe if you wore that ear trumpet you would be able to hear me,” Abi reminded him with a giggle.

Ben could just about make out what she was saying with his good ear, but over the years he had become exceptionally good with lip reading. 

Ben shook his head and sent a charming smile in Abi’s direction, “If I did, I fear that I would not look as dashing for you, sweetheart.” 

Abi breathed out a giggle which for some unknown reason made the insides of Ben’s stomach curdle. He felt a hand reach up and caress his cheek lovingly, a thumb running over his slight stubble. “You will always be handsome to me, my love,” Abi responds softly. 

Ben swallowed a lump in his throat as he looked into her brown eyes, a distinct feeling swimming through the pit of his stomach. His eyes stay open in starstruck when Abi leans in and plants a featherlight kiss on his cheek. When Abi pulls away, she is beaming up at him.

“I hope it is still snowing on our wedding day,” Abi licks her lips, the tone of her voice sounding giddy at the thought of becoming Mrs Ben Mitchell. She looks over and peers out of the tiniest gap between the curtains dreamily. 

“Snowing or not,” Ben reassures, running his hands down Abi’s arms and forcing a smile. “It will be  _ wonderful _ .” He emphasises the word as an attempt to convince the both of them. When Abi turns back to Ben, she grins happily and scrunches her nose up which Ben  _ used _ to adore.

“I am going to the kitchens,” Ben sniffs, quickly putting his arms down. “To check how lunch is coming along, our families will be arriving within the next couple of hours.” 

Before departing, Ben rests his hand on Abi’s cheek that is too soft and leans in to kiss her sweetly. Abi’s lips feel too moisturized and clammy due to the heavy amount of pink lipstick that she was wearing. He does not know why he does it but he felt like he should, just  _ because _ . Abi is his fiancée after all and they will be doing a lot more than kissing once they are firmly in wedlock, which sends nervous waves through Ben’s body just at the thought. 

Ben quickly departs the room, wiping the tinged pink stain on his lips with the back of his hand like it was some kind of poison and marches through the hallways, where the walls are covered with burgundy red wallpaper with gold floral patterns and different kinds of framed paintings are hung. When he sees the dimly lit kitchen from a distance, the sounds coming from there are inaudible but when he comes closer, he is met by the soft sounds of affectionate laughter.

A warm fire ripples through his heart at the sight before him when he enters the kitchen to find his niece Lexi and the family cook Callum Highway in the blitz of a flour raid and it was like they had tried to replicate the snow storm that was happening outside. 

Ben let out his own affectionate laugh and rested his hands on his hips, “What’s going on here then? Is this because your mother has forbidden you to play out in the snow today  _ madam  _ so you have managed to wrap Callum around your little finger and create your very own blizzard?”

The chuckle that Callum lets escape his lips, which emphasise the dimples that he has prodded into his cheeks makes Ben’s heart swoon and he cannot help but smile wider when Callum looks back up at him. It was like a reflex, Ben did not even realise he was doing it until he actually  _ was _ . 

“I do not mind, sir,” Callum says politely, trying to keep up formality. 

“How many more times? Enough with the  _ sir _ ,” Ben mockingly chastises, though he cannot deny the fire that suddenly roared in his belly at the term. “Just call me,  _ Ben _ .”

Callum looks at Ben somewhat shyly and he notices that his cheeks are starting to flush. 

“Callum and I are making gingerbread men, Uncle Ben!” Lexi exclaims excitedly, her blonde pigtails bouncing in the air. Ben could not help but breath out a laugh and shake his head fondly when he noticed that her baby blue dress with a white frilly pattern at the top was just  _ covered _ in flour. Lola was sure to go spare.

“Wow,” Ben gasped in astonishment after taking a quick glance at the dark biscuit dough mix that was spread out on the counter surrounded by flour. 

“And, and,” Lexi started again, talking rapidly. Ben blinked a couple of times to get into focus and to try and keep up with the energy of the small seven year old. “Callum also said that tomorrow if it is still snowing that he will help me build a snowman!”

“Only if it is okay of course?” Callum says hesitantly, suddenly feeling the back of his neck start to heat up. “I will make sure everything is cleared up from breakfast and I will have lunch organised.”

The same smile that was on Ben’s face seemed to get wider once again at Callum’s constant worries and wanting to please everyone, especially him. He found it rather sweet, adorable in fact. 

“Of course it is,” Ben affirmed.

Lexi tapped Ben’s arm to get Ben’s attention. When Lexi knew that she had it, she continued. But she did not speak this time. Instead, she signed:  _ Would you help me build a snowman too?  _

This instantly melted Ben’s heart. Lexi was the sweetest girl in the whole wide world and Ben would go to the ends of the earth for her. The love between an uncle and his niece was so strong in this case. Her buzzing energy and the way she smiled at him made Ben’s days just that little bit brighter. Ben formed his hand into a knuckle and moved it downwards along with a soft smile for his special girl to say  _ yes _ .

Lexi started to dance and cheer around the kitchen as she made her way back to the gingerbread men. Ben and Callum could not help but laugh at the girl’s joy and the simplest things that made her ecstatic. Once the laughter had died down, Ben and Callum found themselves looking at each other, and smiling, and just taking each other in. Ben frowned when Callum looked towards the doorway as he heard the sound of clanky footsteps to be greeted by Lola Pearce, the mother of Lexi and Ben’s third cousin. 

Ben, Lola, Abi and Lexi share a house together with Lola’s husband and Lexi’s father Jay. Jay also happened to be Ben’s adoptive brother (who his father adopted when Jay was eight years old after he became an orphan) and together, they owned a tailor shop business. It was a dysfunctional Victorian family but no one would have it any other way. 

Callum, on the other hand, met Ben and Jay when he walked into their tailor shop looking for suits for him and his brother, who ran the funeral parlour just a few blocks away from the shop. When Ben learnt that Callum did not really want to be an undertaker and would love to pursue a career in cooking as he had always enjoyed it, Ben immediately hired him after their last cook had left. What neither Ben or Callum was expecting was to actually form a friendship. A pretty good friendship in fact.

“Lexi, look at the state of you,” Lola huffed, but there was a hint of amusement outlining her lips. “We’ll have to get you changed.”

“I’m sorry Lola,” Callum says apologetically, biting his lip anxiously, paying even more attention to placing the gingerbread men carefully on the baking tray. 

“No, don’t be silly,” Lola dismisses him, waving a hand at him. “It was lovely of you to keep her entertained for a while.” 

Callum looked up and smiled heartily at Lola, feeling the tips of his ears start to go pink. He genuinely felt like he was part of a family albeit he was only their cook. Abi entered and coughed to get everyone’s attention. All eyes were staring at her. 

“I did not remember having  _ gingerbread men _ on the menu,” Abi said patronisingly, turning her nose up.

“Rest assured, the goose is cooking Miss Branning,” Callum responds reassuringly. “The meal will be ready by the time your family arrives.”

Abi pursued her lips and nodded her head slowly.

“Don’t worry my love,” Ben says. “Callum has it all under control.”

When Callum nods his head enthusiastically and with a warm smile, Abi starts to turn away and make her way out of the kitchen.

“Can you make sure the kitchen is tidy please,” she says, her demanding voice echoing back through to the kitchen as she struts back off down the hallway. 

Lola turns away from the door with a roll of her eyes and says to Ben in jest, “It’s like you’re already married, Ben - her giving orders to the cook.” 

The thought of that sets an uncomfortable feeling with Ben, the idea of not just being married but Abi also having control of everything that he runs - the tailor business, the house. He was not sure that he was cut out for it. 

“Anyway, I better get this one cleaned up and changed ready for when the family arrive,” Lola lets out a sigh before turning to Lexi. “Come on sweetheart.” 

Lola takes Lexi by the hand and leads her out of the kitchen, but not before Lexi turns back and gives Ben and Callum a wave. Callum looks at Lexi fondly as they both wave back.

“She really is adorable,” Callum comments in awe. 

Ben smiles softly, “She’s  _ the best _ .” He lets out a breath before turning back to Callum. “Anyway, I best start getting ready as well. Are you going to be alright?”

“Of course I will,” Callum scoffs kindly, “Go and get ready. Like you say, I have it all under control here.” He adds cheekily.

Ben mirrors Callum’s grin, “Okay then,” he breathes out a chuckle. “You’re doing incredible!” He compliments before leaving the kitchen and rushing down the hallway. He lets out a breath that he had not realised he had been holding in until now.

It was  _ ridiculous _ . Callum had been cooking and catering for the family for almost a year, but for some unrecognisable reason, he gave Ben such a warm sense of security. Whenever Callum was around, he lit up every room brighter than the candles on the Christmas tree. Callum made Ben’s heart race at a thousand miles per hour, which was all distorted to Ben but it felt nice having that tepid fuzzy feeling exploding in his heart. 

Little did Ben know that when he made his departure from the room, Callum felt the cold take over his presence. Ben’s presence to Callum felt like a fire had been lit and everything was warm and cozy. But now Ben had left, he suddenly felt the chill take over and a void filled his wake. 

  
  
  
  


The family  _ luncheon _ was relatively pleasant. The immediate family of Ben and Abi all gathered round the long dark wood oval table. In some areas it looked like they were sardines all huddled together in a tin, but that was mainly where a few children had to be squeezed in between the parents. The meal that was prepared by Callum had been completely devoured and they were now relaxing with a glass of brandy or sherry with conversation rolling. Lexi and Ben’s second cousin’s children Janet and William and Abi’s younger brother Oscar and nephew Louie were sitting by the piano.

However, the conversation was pretty faded to Ben. In these sort of social situations, Ben found it hard to lip read as he could not always read people’s lips as they were moving so fast and they were not looking directly at him, which made it harder for him to interpret the speech and the amount of talking. Along with the odd piano key making a millisecond tune, it was just too much for his one ear to grasp. Therefore, he just let Abi do the talking and she seemed more than happy to do so as she sat beside him, her hand resting on his thigh. He was uncertain about the feel of Abi’s long nails that were lightly grazing his thigh, it felt peculiar to him, that it just did not feel  _ right _ . He gulped when he looked down and noticed how Abi’s engagement ring was glaring up at him and the white gold diamond blinding him of what was to come, of the inevitable. 

With his arm stretched out on the back of Abi’s chair and with the fire going at the end of the room, he took a sip of brandy as he allowed himself to distance himself away from the party. His eyes wandered around the room, the Christmas tree in the corner stood tall and beautifully in all its glory as it was wrapped in multicoloured tinsel, baubles and homemade Christmas decorations by Lexi and the candles on the tree were dimly lit making it that ever more bright and radiant. It was finalised by an angel that sat right at the very top. 

Ben looked ahead and let out a quiet sigh as he stared at the view in the window.

_ Bloody snow. _ It was still coming down heavily. Ben considered it a miracle that this lunch was still going ahead today. With conditions like this, just  _ maybe _ , the wedding would have to be postponed. 

Ben soon found himself distracted by the snowstorm that was occurring outside when he suddenly caught sight of Callum who was walking round the table and started collecting the desert bowls. A small smile pulled at Ben’s lips over the rim of his glass as he stole another sip of brandy. Callum looked up briefly from collecting the bowls and flashed him a brief smile before promptly getting back to what he was doing, but Callum could feel Ben’s twinkling blue eyes burning into him. He caught himself in a daze as he was just watching the room go round with its fulfilled laughs and conversations...and  _ Callum _ . 

Ben suddenly found himself startling and blinked once when a pressing click of fingers was directly in his face. When he opened his eyes and swallowed, he saw several pairs of eyes boring into him. Some faces had sympathetic features which Ben could not  _ stand  _ whereas other faces had scowls thinking that he was being rude. He turned to look at Abi desperately. 

“Mother and father were just saying how the two of us should go to Scotland in the New Year and use their country house for a few days,” Abi says with a tight lipped smile that made it obvious that she was gritting her teeth behind those red plumped up lips. 

“ _ Oh, _ ” Ben responds with surprise and looks over across the table at Abi’s parents Max and Tanya, “That would be lovely Mr and Mrs Branning. Thank you for your generous offer.” He smiles politely. 

“As long as you are back by the time  _ this one _ makes an appearance,” Ben’s sister Louise comments playfully as she leans back on her chair caressing her large baby bump with her husband Keanu looking at her lovingly. “I’m kind of hoping that the baby will be born pretty soon after your wedding.” She lets out a huff.

_ Or your waters break during the wedding ceremony. _ Ben secretly hopes. 

“Oh I remember the feeling,” Lola says, looking at Louise with a soft smile, as she reminisced on how it felt being in Louise’s stage of pregnancy - the tiredness, and the feeling that you are carrying something heavy 24/7. She turns to look over at Ben, “It will be you and Abi next,” she teases, licking her lips before taking a sip of sherry. 

“Oh yes, how marvellous would it be for Louie to have a little cousin to play with,” Abi’s older sister Lauren gushed. 

“What?” Ben breathes out, trying to comprehend what was actually being said. 

“You and Abi,” his father Phil presses. “You’re getting married in a few days, afterwards you are bound to have children. Nothing like building the Mitchell family name I say,” he adds with a gleeful smile at the thought of a second grandchild. 

“And we could also make the bedroom I am currently staying in a nursery,” Abi gasps excitedly, her hand on her heart and her eyes lighting up at the thought of  _ a  _ mini  _ Ben and Abi _ running around the house.

“I’m sure Lexi would love to have a baby around,” Jay adds, chirpily. “We all know how much she loves playing with her dolls.” 

It was like the whole baby talk was coming out in loud echoes and it was scattered hauntily in Ben’s head. The thought of marriage terrified Ben but the thought of having children was even worse. His body was not phased by the snow outside and it did not need the open fire, his own body heat was radiating off of him and he suddenly found himself almost sweating. He felt suffocated, like he needed to gasp for breath as he felt enclosed in this globe which was filled with haunted ideas of a fulfilled life with Abi. 

Then, it went quiet. Like something had just hit the pause button. 

Ben looked over to find Phil had risen from his seat beside his step mother Sharon and was standing up on his feet. Ben never knew his birth mother, she had died during childbirth and was brought up by Phil and his gran until she died a few of years ago. Before Ben’s gran passed away, Phil remarried a woman called Lisa and together, they had Louise but they had divorced quite a few years back. It was only a couple of years ago when Phil had reunited with his old flame Sharon that he had decided to remarry for the third time. Sharon also had a son from her husband who died called Dennis, who was probably out stealing from market traders. 

Evaluating his father’s track record in love and marriage, it made Ben even more nervous about getting married because what if there was actually a curse where the Mitchell men could never truly be happy and there was just a string of women out there waiting for him, ready to take their turn to make an honest and  _ ordinary _ man out of him. Because Ben knew he was not  _ ordinary _ . 

“On that note,” Phil declared, loud and clear in his gruff voice and holding up his glass of water. “I think we should all raise a toast. To  _ Ben and Abi _ .” 

The room filled with loud toasts to Ben and a life with Abi as well as smiles that made Ben shift uncomfortably in his seat. He breathed out a smile, feeling so uncomfortable with the attention being on him whereas Abi was just absorbing the attention with a radiant and dazzling beaming smile. He saw Callum from the corner of his eye and before he could even think about what he was doing, his chair suddenly scraped backwards as he quickly jumped out of his seat with his glass of brandy in hand. 

All eyes were on him again, but this time curiously, waiting to hear what he had to say. 

“I would also like to raise a toast,” Ben gulped. “To Callum,  _ our cook _ .” He says with enthusiasm and a wide happy smile, with his glass raised highly in the air. “For the most exquisite meal. We would not be  _ without _ him!” 

Ben found himself smiling when he noticed Callum flush and his ears went pink as everyone praised Callum for the delicious meal that he had prepared. Callum thanked them politely with a kind smile and insisted that there was absolutely no need to thank him. Once the commotion had died down, Ben sat himself back down in his seat and took another sip of his brandy. He failed to notice how his fiancée was looking at him wearily.

  
  
  


Shortly after the meal had died down, most of the guests had decided to retire home to avoid travelling home in the dark and the sludge, as rain started to gently sprinkle on the snow by the time late afternoon hit. After the end of a big meal, it meant a lot of washing up for Callum. He was drying the last pot as his mind wandered to how appreciative Ben was of him. He certainly was not expecting to be complimented for cooking for him and his family, it was what he was here for. He did not expect to be thanked for it. He was happy to do it and see Ben every day, it brought a welcoming light into his life that was brighter than the sun and he would do it for a small fraction of his wages as long as he could still have that light shining in. 

A gentle cough awoke Callum from his thoughts. He spun around to find Ben with a sincere smile on his face and a glass of brandy clasped in his hand.

“Ben,” he says in a dazed tone as he puts the pot down on the counter. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, I just wanted to give you this,” Ben stretched his arm out to offer him the glass of brandy. “To say thank you. You did really good today.”

Callum looked at the brandy and gulped. He was being offered alcohol on the job and he felt hesitant on whether he should  _ really  _ be drinking. He knew for a fact that his brother Stuart would take it at a drop of a hat but Callum was different, maybe in more ways than one.

“It’s not a trick,” Ben barks out a laugh. “You can have it, I won't bite.” 

“There is really  _ no need _ ,” Callum ponders. 

“Just have the drink Callum,” Ben snaps playfully but he smirks. “But I suggest you drink it quickly before Abi comes looking for me, we’re having a meeting with her parents and mine.” He finishes with a begrudging roll of his eyes.

Callum smiles and takes the glass from Ben, because he could not resist those pleading and playful blue eyes. He downed it within a couple of gulps and instantly felt the heat warm his heart, though it was not just the alcohol that set a roaring fire in his heart. 

“Thank you,” he says as he puts the glass in the bowl to be washed up. “In exchange, would you like one of these?  _ Fresh out of the oven. _ ”

Ben almost salvates at the mouth at the sight in front of him, as Callum produces a plate of mince pies. All the exotic sweet fruit flavours and spices filled his senses. His mouth dropped agape in devourment and he inhaled sharply, allowing the aroma to fill him completely. 

Grinning that stupid grin that always puts a joyous spring in Callum’s mood, Ben reached out and grabbed a mince pie. He smiled at how rustic they looked with their star tops and the filling slightly oozing out of the gaps. “You really are one of a kind, Callum Highway.”

Callum blushed as Ben took a bite of the mince pie, moaning pleasantly as the pie swirled in his mouth. “These are  _ incredible _ ,” Ben compliments. “What in heaven did I do in another life to deserve you?”

“It’s only mince pies,” Callum breathed out a shy laugh.

“The best mince pies,” Ben affirmed, with a soft grin before finishing off the mince pie. 

“Ben!”

Callum stifled a laugh as Ben rolled his eyes dramatically at the loud shrieking calling of his fiancée. 

“ _ In here darling! _ ” Ben calls out sickly sweetly, sarcasm dripping out of his speech, which makes Callum cover his mouth in an attempt to stop a laugh from coming out. 

Abi trots into the kitchen and lets out a loud huff, “What are you doing in here? My parents are  _ waiting _ .”

“I was just thanking Callum for the meal that he prepared for us,” Ben explains, gesturing to Callum. Abi looks over at Callum and looks him up and down. 

“Mince pie, Miss Branning?” Callum offers with an enthusiastic voice and a bright smile. He holds out the plate of mince pies towards Abi, pretending that he did not notice the way she looked at him just seconds before.

“No I’m good thank you very much,” Abi responds wrinkling her nose before turning to Ben, “ _ Come on _ ,” she speaks impatiently. Taking one last look at Callum, she marches out of the kitchen.

“I suppose I better get going,” Ben murmurs, shifting his feet from side to side.

“You know where I am if you need anything,” Callum smiles softly. He did not just mean with jobs, but with anything or everything. He could see how troubled and conflicted Ben looked these days. Nonetheless, he did not realise that what he had just said made Ben’s heart almost leap out of his chest. Ben looked directly at Callum and smiled; the first genuine smile that he has had all day which pulled at Callum’s heart strings.

Ben was about to open his mouth to say something.

“Ben!!” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum found himself in the same position the next morning, pottering about in the kitchen and cleaning up after breakfast. He looked out of the window to find that there was another wave of snow as it trickled onto the ground and removed any evidence of sludge from the night before. It looks like they could be in for a white Christmas. As he stored the final pot securely in its rightful cupboard, his eyes could not help but prick up at the conversation that was proceeding in the hallway.

“I am sorry,” he could hear Abi say with sincere floating in her speech. “You do forgive me don’t you, my love?”

“Of course I do,” he heard Ben sigh. Ben rested his hands on Abi’s hips. “Everything is fine between us.” 

“I sometimes get paranoid you know,” Abi admitted sheepishly, placing her hands on Ben’s shoulders and stroking absentmindedly at the sleeves of his waistcoat. “That you are going to one day wake up and realise that you do not love me.”

“You silly goose,” Ben breathes out a laugh. He brings his hands up to her face and looks at her directly in the eyes. He looks into her eyes and notices how her brown eyes melt into his lovingly. He sees how warm they look and how Abi looks at him like he hung the moon and the stars, but those eyes do not make Ben feel warm. They do not feel like home. Deep down, he is in doubt on whether he feels like he could drown in those eyes forever because whenever he looks at her, it is like any sort of feeling that he could ever have, is frozen to ice. There is nothing. 

“I’m not gonna anywhere,” his voice shakes, trying to hold it together because he knows that he’s not and he does not quite know how to process that. Without a flash of thought, he quickly leans in and kisses Abi hard on the mouth, pouring every ounce of enthusiasm into the kiss, desperate to feel something,  _ anything _ . 

When Ben pulls away, Abi is looking back at him biting down on her bottom lip and grinning from ear to ear, with a light pink blush on her cheeks. “About tonight,” Abi breathes, composing herself. “You will be careful won’t you? Promise me you’ll be careful?” 

“Stop worrying,” Ben tells her. “I’ll be fine. This is for  _ us _ .”

Abi smiles earnestly as she feels her heart thumping. She felt alive. She was devoted to Ben and any worries or doubts that she had the night before had vanished. Of course Ben was committed to her, he had been pretty much hers since they were children. She kisses him again before walking down the hallway gleefully. 

As Ben watches her walk away, he lets out a loud exasperated sigh and closes his eyes, wanting to drown out the world. Callum peers from his place in the kitchen and frowns. Through these thin walls being able to talk, he knew that Ben was not just a tailor. He worked for his father and did the odd job or deal that is a bit  _ iffy _ just so he can earn more money for his family and ensure that food is on the table. 

Callum prays that Ben is careful too, especially with it being this close to Christmas.

...But it looks like it did not pan out  _ quite as expected.  _

It was late at night. The house was silent. Everyone had turned in for the night, except for Callum who had to work late because after supper, Abi requested that he made her Grandma Dot a Victoria sponge cake for her to take to her when she visits her tomorrow. Callum happily obliged,  _ for all good will and that _ . 

There was a silver lining to it because when Callum had finished dusting the cake and tidying up the kitchen, he heard a loud clutter and a hiss. Callum’s ears pricked up and he felt his heart racing. He stared down the hallways of the home. They were pitch black. Callum squinted his eyes to see if he could see the cause of the sound. 

“Hello?!” He called out. His voice echoed through the walls due to the silence. 

He was just met with silence. Until he heard the shuffling of feet against wooden floorboards. 

“Who’s there?!” He croaks, suddenly feeling like he was being invaded. That something was out there in the darkness ready to claw at him. His heart was hammering against his chest and his hands started to feel clammy with anxiety. 

The footsteps started to get closer and Callum gulped, taking deep shallow breaths and goosebumps were starting to rise on the back of his neck. He felt glued to the spot and there was no way of escape. He wanted to hide or run, but he physically couldn’t. There was nothing but silence, creaking floorboards and mysterious footsteps. 

It felt like a lifetime until Callum saw a shadow of a figure lurking in the doorway and Callum finally felt like he could breath. He let out a sigh of relief, his hand clutching at his heart.

“Ben,” he breathes out. “Thank goodness it’s you, you scared me.”

When Callum looked up to take another look at Ben, his jaw dropped at the sight. He was met with an injured Ben. He had been hurt. His lip and the end of his eyebrow had been cut and fresh deep red blood was weeping out of his wounds. 

“Ben,” Callum gasps and paces over to him. He suddenly started to feel emotional. His heart was starting to swell with worry and upset and his breath abruptly hitched in his throat. “What happened?” 

Ben could just about make out what Callum was saying, despite his brain refusing him to focus and the darkness starting to overpower the light. A true reflection of his life really. 

“It looks like I’m not everyone’s biggest fan,” Ben tries to make light of the conversation. “Bit disappointing actually.” 

Callum could tell that Ben was starting to get tired and drowsy by the way his eyes were fluttering a little and was swaying from side to side. He put his hand on Ben’s shoulder and when Ben looked back up, Callum gestured with his finger to the wounds before signing:  _ May I? _

Ben did not know whether he wanted to laugh with endearment or cry. No one had truly been bothered to learn or speak sign language for  _ his _ benefit. Lola bought Lexi the rare books out there to learn sign language and she used to spend hours up in her room learning. Lola knew bits from Lexi. His father never bothered and Jay used to mime things if he could see that Ben was struggling to hear. Then finally there was Abi. She used to be supportive when they were children. She said to him that it was okay to be  _ different _ . When they were children, they had signals as a way to communicate as well as speech but now that Abi was a grown woman, she just relied on her voice and trust that Ben would be able to understand everything that she said.

But Callum.

Ben did not even know when or how Callum learnt sign language but it made his heart expand a thousand times bigger than what it already was. His heart swelled up with such affection for this man and was so happy that their paths crossed when it did. He was starstruck.

“Knock yourself out Doc,” he quipped. 

Callum started to focus on the cuts. He gently placed his hands on Ben’s face and caressed it as his thumb stroked under the cut on his lip and his index finger caressed the cut on his eyebrow. Callum bit down on his lip in concentration as he observed how deep the cuts were. Ben’s eyes rolled up to look at Callum and noticed how his eyes were a gorgeous blue that sparkled and glistened under the dim light. They were beautiful. For the first time ever, he saw how emphasised the stubble on Callum’s face actually was. It looked rough, a good kind of rough that made Ben’s breath hitch, and his hand was itching to reach out and run over the stubble and feel the gentle prickle against his fingertips. He had to use every single cell of willpower to stop himself from doing so. 

Callum’s eyes glanced down and was slightly startled when he was met with Ben’s. 

“You’re not going to need stitches,” Callum gulped, thinking there was a heatwave in the room even though it was snowing outside. “But I do need to get those cuts cleaned up. I will get the first aid kit. I’ll be right back, take a seat,” he instructed rapidly, feeling flustered. He grabbed the candlestick that still had a steady and well lit flame before hastily leaving the kitchen in search of the first aid kit. 

When Callum returned, Ben was sat on a stool by the kitchen counter - another stool waiting in front of him. Callum imagined an luminous light shadowing over the seat, guiding him to take the seat, like it was his destiny. Callum let out a small cough to mark his entrance but Ben did not respond, did not even bat an eyelid. He seemed to be too distracted in prodding the cut on his lip with his finger and squinting his eyes in an attempt to assess the blood. 

“Don’t do that,” Callum orders as he walks over to the empty seat, alarming Ben as his body jolts. 

“Better follow doctor’s orders,” Ben teases. His face looks so light that it makes Callum’s heart skip a beat as he places the healthy flamed candlestick on the working station in between them and takes his seat. Ben pays close attention as he watches Callum open the wooden box and pull out the essential items. When Callum looked back up, Ben quickly flicked his eyes away. 

Callum carefully poured some disinfectant onto the cotton pad. “This might sting a little,” he warned as he applied pressure onto the wound on Ben’s lip with the pad. He sucked in a laugh when he heard a little whine escape Ben’s mouth. He chose to bite his bottom lip to prevent a laugh from escaping, which did not go unnoticed by Ben. 

“So,” Callum tried to make conversation. “How did this happen?” 

“The less you know the better,” Ben breathes out but his tone is friendly. 

Callum nods briefly in understanding, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Stop apologising Cal,” Ben manages to chuckle.

Callum pauses, holding the pad over Ben’s cut at the mention of an apparent nickname. He had never been called that before and he could feel his cheeks flush at the name. He liked it and he was trying his hardest to concentrate on Ben’s nasty gash to prevent his cheeks from going a noticeable pink. Ben suddenly let out a slightly louder whine as Callum moved to another angle of the cut. 

Callum barked out a laugh, “Stop being a baby, you’re worse than Lexi.” He buffooned. “I had to clean a cut on her knee the other week and she did not even make a sound, not even a  _ single cry _ .” He goes on to gloat.

“Yeah well she’s a trooper,” Ben huffed. 

“She adores you, you know,” he says softly. “Dare I say, at times I swear she idolises you more than she does her own father.” 

That sentence hit Ben like a ton of bricks as he swallowed a lump in his throat. He looked up at Callum and could feel that he had now moved onto the cut on his eyebrow. He found himself looking into those sea blue eyes again. As he stared at them in some sort of trance, he felt that he could trust those eyes, could tell them anything and they would not judge him. 

“Callum, can I tell you a secret?” He asks carefully.

Callum’s eyes move down to meet Ben’s blue ones, like waves colliding together. It was like he was about to step over a barrier in his position and open the doors to Ben’s vaults that contained his life and many truths. Things that were kept firmly close to his heart and he was about to have access to one of his possessions. Callum swallowed a lump in his throat, “Of course. You can tell me anything, you know that.” 

“Lexi isn’t Jay’s,” he says, barely audible. But he knew that Callum heard by the way his eyes turned into surprise. 

“What do you mean Lexi isn’t Jay’s?” Callum laughs in disbelief. He could feel his heart thumping, feeling like he was just told this dark family secret. Well, it was. 

“She’s mine,” Ben croaked out. “Lexi is my daughter.”

“What?” Callum spluttered. He moved the cotton pad away from Ben’s face and looked directly at Ben. “What do you mean? How? You and Lola-”

“Yeah,” Ben nodded sheepishly. “It was years ago of course. Lola and I were chilling out in the stables at my gran’s house. We had too many bottles of ale. And you know how the rest goes,” He breathes out a nervous laugh.

Ben could tell that Callum was working out the pieces in his head. “Lola and Jay have been married for about seven years, haven’t they?” 

Ben nods in response, “When Lola found out she was with child, she was already with Jay. And the only way to hide the truth is that if Jay and Lola got married immediately and the baby got carried off as Jay’s. It’s lucky that the pair of them are pretty devoted to each other to be honest.” He scoffs, stealing a glance at Callum, “I know it’s wrong. You probably feel ashamed of me now.”

Ben looks away and scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. He suddenly felt a hand on his knee in which Ben immediately looked over to be met with the most warmest and caring eyes that he ever had the pleasure of drowning in. “ _ Never _ ,” Callum speaks in almost a whisper and it sets Ben’s heart racing. “It must be so hard for you. I cannot imagine how that could possibly feel.” 

Ben felt his eyes start to water but he quickly blinked them away. Now that Ben had let one shield fall, it was like his walls were going to start tumbling down around them. But for some reason he felt okay about it, because it was Callum and he felt safe. 

“It does pain me,” Ben sniffs. “But I know it would be so disapproved of and would be treated as an act of disgrace and would not look good on the Mitchell name. And I knew that Lexi would never be accepted, that she would be treated as an outcast and I did not want that life for her. I did it for  _ her _ . So I will just have to happily accept that I am her  _ favourite uncle Ben _ .” He says weakly with a quiet chuckle.

Callum smiled softly, admiration shining in his eyes as he felt emotional over the courage of the man sitting in front of him. “Well your secret is safe with me,” he reassures and goes back to tending Ben’s wound. “You’re so brave. I admire your bravery.” 

Ben mentally scoffed at this. He would not call himself brave, he was far from it. He felt like a bit of a coward if he was really being honest. 

“Now that I’ve told you something, why don’t you tell me something about you?” He suggested, wanting to break the cumbersome atmosphere in the room with a sharp knife. “There must be something else you’re into except for cooking.”

“I’m actually into art,” Callum tells him.

“Oh yeah?” Ben arches his eyebrow in interest, feeling wetness prickle on the skin above his eyebrow as his movement dodged Callum. 

“Yeah,” Callum nodded. “When I have time, I like to draw.” 

“A man with good looks and great talents,” Ben compliments. “You really are the full package aren’t you?” 

A nervous laugh bubbles in Callum’s chest, showing his dimples clearly under the soft candlelight. 

Ben’s eyes wandered down to Callum’s lips for the  _ umpteenth time _ that evening. His hearing was lagging, but he did not mind. While Callum tended his wounds, he had full focus of his lips and watched and understood every word that slipped out of them. The candlelight bounced off of his lips entrancingly; albeit they looked slightly chapped due to the raw wintery weather, they looked soft and were tinted its natural colour. They were not as full as Abi or Lola’s - they were just  _ right. _

Callum shifted and paused what he was doing as he could feel a pair of stunning blue eyes staring back at him. Callum’s eyes flicked down to be met with the most enticing eyes that he had ever seen and he swallowed. He could feel himself being soaked up in those eyes, being drenched in Ben’s beauty and let him be Ben’s light to his darkness. The juxtaposition is what sparked electricity between them, what started to make both of their hearts beat faster. Callum could see how conflicted Ben was and he wanted nothing more than to take the pain away, to help him and be his knight in shining armour. They both wanted nothing more than to forget the forbidden rules of society and lean in and succumb themselves to each other, filling their souls with fire, and for the first time in their lifetimes, they would feel so alive. But they knew that the repercussions would be  _ explosive _ . 

Callum let out a cough and moved the cotton pad from Ben’s eyebrow to break the intense moment, even though it sent thrills through his body and his heart still had not stopped racing. He could feel the beat of his heart pump through his eardrums. “There you go,” he says chirpily. “All cleaned up.”

Ben masks the disappointment in his face and gives a soft and grateful smile, “Thank you Callum. You are a lifesaver.”

Callum scoffs outwardly, “It’s really no bother at all. Maybe try and keep out of fights in future.” He adds with a cheeky grin.

Ben lets out a chuckle. “Well I can’t help it if people take their disagreements too far.”

Callum shakes his head with a hint of amusement embedded in his face. He starts to pack the first aid kit away and gathers the used cotton pads ready for disposal. When he looked back at Ben, Ben had this warm and intrigued twinkle in his eye.

“It’s getting late,” Callum notes. “I should probably start heading home.”

Something in Ben’s head immediately clicks as he gets shaken out of his thought process, “Of course. I should probably retire to bed as well.” He steals another look at Callum before standing up on his two feet. “You be careful on the way home, the snow still looks pretty ghastly out there.”

Callum nods in acknowledgement and does this movement with his eyes that Ben thinks should be a wink but comes out like a blink. Ben tries to ignore the fact that his heart has started to race again and something warm starts to flutter inside of him, bubbling away in his belly like a potion is brewing away that makes you feel things strongly and with affection.

“Of course,” Callum confirms quietly. “Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight Callum,” Ben’s tone comes out weak and almost choked as he is so filled up with conflicted emotions. He quickly flies out of the room and turns the corner in fear that Callum would be able to hear just how loudly his heart was beating for  _ him _ . That Callum would be able to sense how he was making his stomach perform somersaults and how when he was around him, he could barely  _ breathe _ . It was like Callum physically took his breath away.

And the worst thing is, is that Ben knew it was wrong. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Abi let out a long tired sigh as she returned to her home after visiting her Grandma Dot. The snow was still plummeting down outside and icicles were dripping down the window panes. Abi let out a loud huff as she took off her burgundy winter cloche hat and moved the wet strand of hair that stuck to her forehead, away from her face. Her cheeks were flushed and her whole face felt cold, her hands felt like ice despite being clothed in woolly gloves. 

Abi frowned as she noticed that the house seemed quiet. There was no little girl screaming the house down or running through the corridors with a burst of joyous laughter. It was just silent. 

When Abi entered the living room, she found Lola sitting in the armchair slowly sipping a cup of tea, like she was savouring the taste and savouring the quiet while it lasts. The fire is roaring in front of her. 

“Hello Lola,” Abi smiles pleasantly. “Is Lexi having a nap?” 

“No,” Lola scoffs out a light laugh. “She’s out building a snowman with Ben and Callum.” 

This set a pessimistic fire in Abi’s heart and the words left a sour flavour in her mouth that she just wanted to spit out in resentment. 

“I thought Ben was working today?” Abi asked densely, trying to keep her anxiety and paranoia at bay but it was starting to bubble to the surface. 

“He came home at lunchtime,” Lola clarified. “Callum made us all some stew and then Lexi pretty much dragged them outside to build a snowman with her.” Lola paused to look at Abi who had her eyes diverted and was looking towards the open window, knowing that her fiancée was somewhere amongst the falling snow. Lola raised her eyebrow skeptically. “That’s not a problem is it? Good practice for when you have  _ your own children _ .”

Abi turned back to Lola and breathed out a laugh, “Of course.” She tried to make the tight smile that replaced her laugh look sincere. She tried to hide the fact that she felt her heart starting to crackle piece by piece. Even though Ben convinced her that he was not going anywhere, she could not help but feel that Ben is distant, like he is miles away from her, out of reach. 

And they were supposed to be getting married in three days.

Lola noticed that something was off with Abi and her head tilted in worry, “Are you sure everything is okay?”

“Fine,” Before she could take the words back, Lola was slightly taken aback when Abi’s words came out sharply, pretty much firing out of her mouth like a gunshot. Abi swallowed a lump in her throat, feeling flustered. “I just need to speak to Ben that’s all, I’m going to go and find him.”

Before Lola could respond or try and stop her, Abi quickly filed out of the room, tugging her hat back on on the way out.

  
  
  
  


“Come on Highway, give it some welly,” Ben said playfully, with a lick of his lips and a teasing grin. They were both rolling a large snowball through the thick snow and it was gradually getting bigger. Lexi was huddled in between them, wrapped up warm in her coat, hat and gloves and was letting out quiet straining groans as she helped to push the giant snowball.

“Says you, with your height, I’m surprised that you haven’t been dragged down to your knees,” Callum stuck his tongue out.

“Oi,” Ben says in a mock offended tone. “Enough with mocking my height please!” 

Callum chuckled lowly, his dimples showing clear as day that it is surprising that his dimples are not catching snow as they are so big. Ben could not help but smile back at Callum, a wide charming smile where snow could easily melt on his hot tongue. But he does not mind that. It was like a pause button as smiles were stuck on Ben and Callum’s face, their eyes lighting up brighter than the Christmas tree indoors. It was like they were in their own snow globe with paper snow sprinkling over them as someone continuously shook it. Last night’s fiasco was not spoken about between them, but it was not forgotten.

That snow globe smashed.

“Come on,” Lexi whined, looking up at them both with her pleading puppy dog eyes. 

Ben and Callum quickly looked back up at each other and exchanged an amusing and knowing shake of the head before getting back to work, putting all of their force into rolling the gigantic snowball.

“Ben!” A familiar persistent feminine voice called out.

Ben’s heart dropped. Something inside him had well and truly burst. All the happiness that he had felt in those last few moments had just dissolved into ash. Ben slowly and painfully let go of the ice cold snowball, feeling his fingertips starting to numb at the cold sensation and looked over to find Abi walking breathlessly up the hill. Looking back over at Callum and Lexi and telling them silently that he will be back in a minute, he strided over to Abi to meet her as she went up the hill.

“You alright sweetheart?” Ben charmed Abi with his dazzling smile, his blue eyes glistening due to the cold. “How was your grandmother?”

“She’s good,” Abi nodded. “May I talk to you for a bit please?”

A frown pulled down at Ben’s facial features, “Is everything alright?” 

“Of course,” Abi breathed out a smile. She enveloped one arm around Ben’s neck, pulling him in for extra warmth. The other hand played with the hem of Ben’s coat. She looked up at him with a sultry look in her eyes, a look that made Ben’s stomach turn. “I just thought we could get a bit of  _ practice _ in, you know before the wedding night.” 

Abi pressed a lingering kiss onto Ben’s lips, holding him there for a few seconds. Callum had to divert his eyes, looking anywhere but at the scene playing in front of him. He felt his body start to heat up despite the freezing cold air as he felt his heart start to break as he watched Ben’s lips on a  _ woman’s _ . The lion in his chest started to roar in jealousy, which was followed by sadness and longing bubbling away in his body. 

Ben and Abi’s lips smacked apart and Abi looked up at Ben expectedly, waiting for an answer. Ben breathed out a nervous laugh. Goosebumps started to rise at the back of his neck and he suddenly came over all hot and flustered. And it was not in a sexual kind of way. 

“Uncle Ben!”

Ben breathed out, a wisp of cold air escaping his lips as he swung his head round to look at Lexi. Lexi was looking at him with daggers pulling at her eyes and her hands rested on her hips impatiently.

“Yes, princess?” He smiles sweetly. 

“I want you to help me finish this snowman,” Lexi whines, her lips pouting sadly. 

Ben’s face relaxes with a soft expression, fondness illuminates his eyes and a hint of emotion takes over when he notices how Lexi has his mannerisms. He quickly shakes those emotions away and turns back to Abi. Abi smiles falsely as she notices the expression on Ben’s face, giving her answer that she would much rather stay with  _ Lexi and Callum. _

“It’s fine,” Abi says sweetly, but there is a hint of bitterness behind her tone that Ben does not pick up on or chooses to ignore. “I will catch up with you later.”

“Okay,” Ben says instantly, relief flooding his body. “I’ll see you later love.” 

When Ben goes to plant a kiss on Abi’s cheek, Abi catches Ben’s lips in a kiss, holding onto him a few seconds longer; for all to see, like she is marking her territory. Callum briefly looks over and looks down at the snowball, resentment filling his eyes. The lion in his chest started to roar louder.  _ She may as well have pissed up Ben’s leg, _ Callum thought with bitterness on his tongue. 

When Abi walked back down the hill with a careful skip in her step, Ben watched on. He rubbed his lips with his thumb to try and remove the feel and the taste of Abi. It felt like sand had been rubbed on his lips and no matter how much it is rubbed away, you still feel some of it there. Ben did feel bad. Abi did not deserve this. She had been his best friend for as long as he can remember and he felt nothing but guilt as he doubted his true feelings towards her. Should a man feel a chill whenever his  _ wife-to-be _ touches him? Should a feeling of dread fill his body whenever she so much as approaches him? Or should her presence make you feel all warm and mushy inside, where butterflies bounce about in your belly and make your heart race at a thousand miles an hour?

Just like a certain someone who had just tossed a snowball at him at full pelt, snow smashing and crumbling right at the side of his head, makes him feel. 

Ben turns round and slowly shakes his head. But he cannot stop the wide daring smile that tears at his lips when he sees Callum and Lexi laughing at him. Ben crouches down and gathers more snow and darts it in Callum’s direction and despite his attempts to duck, it hits the beanie that he is wearing on his head. 

Echoes of loud laughter and wails can be heard throughout the gardens, sounds of pure joy and enjoyment. It drags Ben away from his conflicted mind for a moment and he succumbs to the happiness that is around him, smiling from ear to ear. 

Walking back towards the house, Abi holds back the tears as she hears her fiancée’s laughter ringing in her ears in the distance, and it was not in her company. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Twas the night before the eve of the wedding and the snow had stopped falling and they were just left with the thick white sheet on the ground that had muddy footprints digging into it. Ben and Jay were sitting in the dining room in a comfortable silence puffing away at a cigar. 

The night was still young but it was getting reasonably late. The hype of the wedding had heightened as the day drew dramatically closer and any mentions of the day, Ben just pretended that he could not really hear - an attribute that he took great advantage of using when getting out of certain situations. 

Ben blinked when a loud click in his face bounced him out of his brewing. A staggered breath escaped Ben’s lips and he looked over to find Jay looking at him readily, his eyes widened.

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you,” Ben murmured. “Did you say something?” 

“Yes,” Jay says like it was obvious. “I was asking you how you are feeling about the wedding.” He repeats, articulating his words a bit more and making sure that he has all of Ben’s focus.

“Me?” Ben lets out a laugh. “I’m alright, just the old  _ wedding jitters. _ ” 

Jay nods in acknowledgement and looks out the window. “Hopefully the snow will clear up tremendously when the day comes.”

“Am I doing the right thing, Jay?” Ben blurts out. Because he knows. He has confided in Jay about his feelings in the past. “For me? For Abi? Because I don’t think I love her in the way that a man should love his wife.”

Jay looks at him, sympathy and understanding reflecting in his eyes. “I know it’s hard,” he tells him. “But it is the right thing for  _ you _ . You know deep down that you need to do this to protect yourself.”

“But it’s not the right thing for _ Abi _ ,” Ben cuts in. “She deserves better.”

“I can’t see how her life can get any better personally,” Jay scoffs. “She is about to marry into a pretty well off family where some people do not even get the fortune of doing that. Abi loves you Ben and you will be able to make her happy.”

Ben looks away and continues to have an inner battle with his conflicted feelings. He knew that Abi loved him and was devoted to him but lately he has felt like he would not be able to hold this pretense forever by being the perfect and loving husband, being the perfect and doting father. Ben knew that no matter how much it would make Abi happy, he knew that the littlest happiness that he could possibly have, would slowly  _ drain _ out of him,  _ bit by bit _ to the stage that Abi would end up resenting him anyway. 

Callum entered the dining room and when Ben looked up, he stole a puff of his cigar to try and disguise the fact that his heart had started to flutter. 

“Is everything okay Callum?” Jay enquiries, flashing the cook a friendly smile.

“Everything is fine,” Callum confirms. “Please may I speak to Ben?” 

“Yes of course. I need to go and say goodnight to Lexi anyway,” Jay smiles. He looks over at Ben and pats his cheek in a brotherly way before exiting the room, cigar in hand. 

Ben looks up at Callum and there is a fire in his belly that is much warmer than the fire that is rumbling beside him. He finds himself being drawn into Callum’s mysterious blue eyes and marvels at the way his eyes bounce off the candles on the Christmas tree. Ben’s breath hitches as Callum moves closer, his senses instantly being flooded with Callum’s  _ manly _ aroma. Ben put his own cigar safely to the side and stood up to meet Callum. He looked up to meet his eyes, a slow breath breaking from his lips as he  _ really _ took in how much  _ taller _ Callum was compared to him. He thought about how he could easily reach his hand out in his eyeline and land it on Callum’s beating heart. He wonders whether Callum’s heart gallops as much as his.

“Everything okay?” Ben quickly pulls himself out of those thoughts as quickly as he enters them when he notices that Callum is shifting from foot to foot apprehensively. It makes Ben worry but he puts a warm smile on his face to let Callum know that he is  _ there _ .

“Yeah, fine,” Callum says once he meets Ben’s gaze and smiles nervously. “I am just about to head home, but I wanted to give you this.” A nervous shake is in Callum’s voice which makes Ben raise his eyebrow in confusion.

Callum exhales, a shallow breath coming from his lips as his hand rummages through the inside pocket of his coat. He slowly pulls out a rolled up parchment which is tied together by a red ribbon. When Callum hands it over to him, Ben notices how his hand is trembling silently. Ben takes the parchment and meets his eye curiously to find that Callum’s movements differ to what was on his face as a hint of confidence and pride was painted on his face.

One corner of Ben’s mouth pulls up in a timid smile before looking down at the rolled up parchment and untying the ribbon. When he unrolls the parchment, his breath gets caught in his throat and he has to quickly blink away the small amount of tears that are threatening to fall rapidly. His heart flutters the same way that birds in the sky would flap their wings at a rapid pace to generate thrust. 

“Oh my goodness, it’s magnificent!” Ben says hoarsely, his voice thick with emotion as he stares in wonderment at the literal work of art that was in his hands. It was an up close sketch of Ben and Lexi out in the snow with a snowman. Ben had lifted Lexi up and she was balanced on his hip, as she was reaching out to put the carrot nose on the snowman, grinning from ear to ear whereas Ben was just beaming at her with happiness and pride. Even though it was just a drawing, you could see the endearment in his eyes and it filled Ben with emotion, overwhelmed by the effect a drawing could have on him. It was shaded in all of the right areas. It was certainly something that was already close to Ben’s heart, it was so personal and it was not just because it was a sketch of him and  _ his _ daughter. It was because of who it was drawn by and he sure as  _ hell _ had pressed a deeper print on his heart as he had scribbled elegantly:  **_“With love, Callum xx”_ **

And if that did not make his heart almost explode out of his chest, then Ben did not know what would.

“You think?” Callum queries, a slight giddiness starting to bounce in his voice. His eyes started to water with pride in which he quickly wiped away with the back of his sleeve. Ben did not seem to notice as he was too fixated on the picture. “I wanted to show you the other hobby that I told you about the other evening, so I decided to draw you something. Call it an early Christmas present,” he chuckled nervously.

Ben looked up at Callum and smiled with nothing by admiration and deep fondness for this man, “I love it. I cannot believe that you drew this for  _ me _ . Thank you so much. It is the best thing anyone has  _ ever _ given me.” His words came out all jumped. He was filled with so much gratitude. 

Callum’s heart stopped and his smile dropped, wondering whether he had just imagined what slipped out of Ben’s luscious lips, “Really?” 

Ben nods in confirmation and looks back down at the picture, exploring all the different angles and the smallest details that he could have missed, “It’s just so kind and thoughtful of you. I honestly have no words. This honestly means  _ so much _ to me.” 

A wide grin threatens to pull at Callum’s lips, feeling like he had actually done something to make a difference to someone’s life, something worthwhile.

“I can’t believe how handsome you made me look,” Ben breathes out a laugh, trying to pierce the emotion that is simmering in the air.

“Well that’s how I see you,” Callum says before he can even take the words back. They just ran away from his mouth without the littlest warning. He says this so softly and so warmly that there is a risk that all of his feelings have just been handed out on a plate. That there is a risk that he might have just ruined everything. 

But what he doesn’t expect is for Ben to look up at him, with a sudden want and desire ghosting over his eyes. Looking like he is about to give in to something that he had been craving for so long. Ben lets out a small rasping breath, the parchment fluttering down on the floor as he collides his lips hard with Callum’s. He grabs onto his lapels, grabs onto anything that is Callum. He feels a sense of relief when Callum starts kissing him back just as eagerly, his hands coming up to his face. Something stirs in Ben at being held in Callum’s large hands. Their kisses were so fierce and passionate, like fire on fire. It was like a sparkler had been set alight in their hearts and fireworks were exploding their bright colours. They just stood there together, in the middle of the dining room, hands moving and roaming to unveil every inch of each other’s still fully clothed bodies. They are both softly moaning against each other’s mouths, biting, sucking, their tongues eagerly fighting for dominance. They were both gasping for breath whenever they quickly changed angles, but that does not stop them. They were so desperate to indulge in each other, suck in as much of the other that they could possibly get because they have never felt so  _ alive _ . 

“This is wrong,” Callum whispers huskily against Ben’s lips, his nose stroking sideways along Ben’s button one, stealing a breath of air with his long fingers still curled in Ben’s hair. 

All Ben could really hear was hushed sounds but he was so focused on Callum’s lips, how much he wanted to claim them right back, how much he wanted to bite on that bottom lip on his and run his tongue across it that he just about caught what words escaped them. 

“I know,” Ben whimpers against Callum’s lips, pulling him closer,  _ needing _ him closer. “But let’s just stay like this for a while longer, yeah?” 

Callum did not need to be told twice. He did a slight nod of his head before caving back in and connecting his lips with Ben’s again. It was almost beautiful how well their lips entwined and moved together. It was like fate how well their lips were made for each other and how they danced in perfect harmony. The parchment of Callum’s drawing was forgotten as it lay beneath their feet. Any one could walk in at any moment but they were so wrapped up in each other that it did not cross their minds. They were so lost in each other.

To them, it was like the perfect scene in a snow globe. All they needed was the snow. 

  
  
  
  


They both fell asleep in their separate beds with smiles on their faces, but both craving that they could have so much more. Ben felt lucky that he still slept alone because he had to find some sort of release for all that pent up energy he had been storing since that steamy and erotic kiss, imagining that tongue of Callum’s tasting every inch of his body.

When the sun rose welcoming a new day and everyone rose for breakfast, Ben and Callum found it hard to not look at each other, memories of the night before flashing before their eyes when they so much as stole a glance at each other. When they caught each other’s eye, they could not help but smile and quickly look away to try and prevent the blush that was threatening to furiously paint on their cheeks. But it did not stop the butterflies in their stomachs and their hearts from going all warm and mushy. 

Last night had most certainly put a  _ spring _ in Ben’s step as he appeared a lot happier at the dining table that morning and if Ben looked genuinely happier, then Abi was ecstatic. She put it down to that it had finally dawned on them both that they were getting married **_tomorrow_ ** .

Ben woke up with the biggest smile on his face that morning, with the radiant winter’s sun peeping through the small gap in his curtains, and lavished up the pure bliss and joy that he felt in that moment, until the bubble burst and the splashes of reminders that it was the day before Christmas Eve had sprayed him. It felt like a stab to his bleeding heart. Nonetheless, if last night was anything to go by, maybe, if he’s ever so lucky, he could keep Callum as a dirty little secret; albeit it was absolutely being deceitful towards his marriage, but if he could have more of those stolen passionate moments on the side with Callum, then  _ maybe _ he would be a bit happier about the whole thing. Because he knows and feels, and the dreadful pit in his stomach is a stark reminder that stolen moments are all that he may ever get in this lifetime. 

  
  
  
  


Abi beamed gleefully as the snow continued to gently scatter the grounds outside of the house, convinced that she would get her white wedding that you could only ever _ dream _ of. She let out a happy sigh as she looked down at the gold ring that was in the palm of her hand and clasped it tightly in her grip. It was her grandfather’s wedding ring in which her Grandma Dot gave her when she last visited, to specifically give it to her true love on her wedding day. And that true love came in the form of Ben Mitchell. 

She left her bedroom and was smiling from ear to ear as she bounced across the landing, knowing that it was going to be one of the last times that she would be in that bedroom because the next time she would step foot in this house, she would be Ben’s  _ wife _ . The very thought of that filled Abi with joy and excitement for the new life she was about to lead. She was getting ready to stay at her parent’s home, which was on the other side of town, for the night but she wanted to deliver the wedding ring specifically to Ben before she left that afternoon and maybe steal a kiss or two. 

Abi knocked loudly on Ben’s bedroom door once she was standing outside it, in hope that Ben would have heard. When there was no answer, she slowly opened the door figuring that he may have gone into work early. As suspected, the room was empty. Abi’s heart raced when she saw the four poster king size bed positioned in the middle of the room and a mysterious grin pulled at her lips as she imagined drowning in those soft fabric sheets with her new husband. 

She decides to leave the ring on Ben’s wooden bedside table that looked a bit rusty in some areas. When she carefully placed the wedding ring on the table, a parchment that was tied with a red ribbon was gleaming up at her from the corner of her eye. Abi grinned as she picked up the parchment, thinking it was Ben’s surprise speech ready for the wedding tomorrow. Giddily, she unrolled the parchment, set to take a peek to see just what Ben has written about  _ her _ , and how much he is in _ love _ with her. 

Her jaw drops instantly to the floor when what is being presented to her on that roll of parchment stares up at her. Abi lets out a choke in disbelief as she witnesses the drawing and hot angry tears rim around her eyes when she sees the scribbly writing in the corner, the  _ ‘with love’ _ part standing out in bold, clear as day. Abi puts her hand over her mouth and lets out a muffled cry. She suddenly felt a sharp chill in the air, and her heart was almost punching out of her chest, like it was going to come flying out of her chest and come shattering to the floor. 

Abi sniffed to hold back the tears and messily rolled the parchment back up in haste. Once the ribbon was tied around it, she put it back where she found it - on Ben’s bedside table, where it sleeps right  _ beside _ him.

For the first time in her life, Abi felt frightened. She was petrified of losing Ben. He has been her life ever since they were small children, playing out in the snow and building snowmen together which was  _ so many years _ ago now. 

With her head held high, she knew there was one thing she had to do, to ensure that her and her fiancée had a bright and happy future together which was full of laughter and children. She quickly departed the bedroom and marched across the landing and down the stairs. Loud heavy steps left in her wake as she turned the corner and determinedly made her way into the kitchen. Callum was happily pottering away in the kitchen, cleaning up the last of the breakfast bits.

She coughed loudly and rudely making her presence known. When Callum turned around, he swallowed a lump in his throat nervously and wanted the ground beneath him to swallow him up whole as Abi looked straight at him with the  _ deadliest scowl.  _ When she opened her mouth, her tone was full of venom and poison.

“We need to talk.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


With the fire roaring and making the living room feel all snug and cosy, Ben and Lexi cuddled up in the armchair in the late afternoon. Lexi was sitting across Ben’s lap and following the book that he was holding as Ben read to her  _ A Christmas Carol.  _ Lexi was loving it, hanging off Ben’s every word and giggling when he acted out the voices for the different characters. 

Ben was happily reading away, engrossed and being sucked into the story himself that he did not notice or hear soft footsteps enter the room. It was only when Lexi nudged his chest with her tiny hand and looked towards Abi that Ben was alerted to her presence. 

Abi crouched down slightly so she was eye level with Lexi, “Lexi, sweetie, do you mind if I speak to your Uncle Ben for a moment?” She asks with a kind smile.

Lexi looks over at Ben for reassurance and when he tells her that he will continue after supper, she shuffles off of Ben’s lap and her tiny feet pads across the floor as she leaves the room. Abi watches Lexi leave with a soft smile. 

When she turns back to Ben, she says in a fanciful tone and with a small grin that is full of hope, “I cannot wait to see you read to  _ our _ children one day.”

Ben lets out a nervous breathy snort as he puts the book on the side table and shifts uncomfortably in his seat, “ _ One day, _ ” he reiterates. 

Abi licks her lips in delight, feeling her heart start to flutter. “Anyway, I am off to my parents’ house now.”

“Okay darling,” Ben responds and stands up, striding closer to her. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

A day that he really is  _ dreading.  _

“By the way, have you seen Callum today?” He frowns in curiosity and scratches the back of his neck, “I haven’t seen him since this morning at breakfast.”

“Oh yeah,” Abi bits her lip apprehensively. “I let him go.”

Ben’s heart dropped. The glass of the snow globe on the verge of shattering. 

Ben lets out a breath of disbelief. “What do you mean you  _ ‘let him go’ _ ?” He demanded, mocking her tone. His voice was shaking.

“Well I figured that since we are about to become husband and wife that we could start a clean slate,” Abi explains. “I mean as your  _ wife _ , I thought that I should take care of you. And that includes cooking for you.” 

“But Abi,” Ben starts to tremble with anger, his hands starting to fly about. “You can’t just make decisions like that without consulting me first. This is my home!”

“Yes and it’s mine too,” Abi snaps, her infuritation and anxiety starting to get the better of her. “And I feel that I should be making decisions as well.” 

Ben turns away from Abi slightly and runs his hands through his hair, taking short sharp breaths. His body suddenly started to feel hot, like he was being suffocated and he just wanted to run and hide from the world. The breathing suspended when Abi walked over and held his face in her hands, making him directly look into her eyes,  _ those dark cold eyes _ . Ben swallowed a lump in his throat.

“We shouldn’t be arguing,” Abi voices gently, her thumbs stroking the very light stubble on Ben’s face. “Not when we are getting married tomorrow. I am sorry I did not speak to you about it first but I just wanted to do what I thought was best for  _ us _ . We have our whole future ahead of us.”

_ A whole future without Callum _ \- it stabs Ben like a very sharp pinpointed knife. 

“Yeah, course,” Ben says, choking out an unsettled tone. “I will see you tomorrow my dear.” 

Abi beams up at him and lays a soft kiss on his lips. Providing Ben with one final doting smile before she meets him at the end of the aisle, Abi leaves the room abandoning Ben with his thoughts. The thought that Abi had made Callum leave his life forever.

But one thing was for certain, Callum would  _ never _ leave his heart. 

That was the mindset that had stuck with Ben and that was how he ended up standing outside this East End pub later on that evening. When Abi had left, and knowing that he was now alone, Ben allowed himself to shed some tears. And once they had started, they had flowed like a waterfall, faster than the snow that kept plunging to the ground outside. 

His heart was physically  _ aching _ . The tears kept coming. He felt angry. He was utterly devastated. It was like he had just lost a part of him. He had never felt so empty. Lola cooked them all supper that evening, but it was not the same. It tasted like rubber against his tongue. It was not like the meals Callum had prepared. Lola did her best but eating Callum’s food just tastes of pure heaven. Being with Callum is  _ pure heaven _ . The house suddenly felt cold and all Ben could see was ghosts of Callum. The ghost of his endearing laugh, the ghost of his smile and the ghost of those sparkling blue eyes.

Ben felt trapped. Trapped in this life that was expected of him. He was trapped in a life that included being married to Abi; in this fake life that would suffocate him to death. The only light that he had was Callum and now that he was gone, all he could see was black. All Ben could see was the darkness and he just wanted to scream and get out.

For the first time ever, Ben had never felt so  _ alone _ .

Ben could not help but grin at the name of the east end pub. The  **Queen Victoria** pub. He found it pretty amusing how a local boozer was named after her royal majesty. He recalled Callum talking about this pub many times and how he is often found in this pub. Ben can only pray that Callum is in there as he needs to see him.

He cannot go back  _ there _ . It was not a home to him anymore, it felt more like a cage. Callum was his home.

Taking a deep breath, Ben took the plunge and pushed open the doors of the pub. Ben took a shallow breath as he started to become overwhelmed at the rush of sounds that was subtly drumming in his ear as soon as he walked in. The pub was full of rowdy punters who were clearly drunk and celebrating the joy of Christmas with their singing and shouting and beer was sloshing over their tankards with a splash and making the floor and table all sticky. 

Ben glanced over at the landlady who had bright blonde hair that was tied up in a messy bun and was wearing a deep red silk dress that touched the floor but came out at the hips; the corset on the top half of the dress seemed to hold her in and emphasised her breasts, making all the punters gaupe at her with their tongues hanging out. She seemed to be putting on a show; dancing around the tables as she collected empty tankards and flirting with the punters and laughing at their awful jokes. She made the men howl loudly with cheers and wolf whistles.

“ _ Oi! _ ” the landlord Mick Carter called over playfully in his strong cockney accent. “That’s my L!!”

Cackles of booming laughter awakened the pub. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Apart from one person, who looked very familiar and was looking solemnly into his tankard. 

Ben’s breath hitched and his heart started to spring back to life; he never thought that he would see Callum again, this was just wishful thinking.  _ But here he was.  _

His footsteps eagerly took him towards Callum, “Can I get you another drink?” He asks charmingly, a flash of a playful smirk shadowing over his lips. 

Callum looked up at Ben who had now stood beside him and his eyes lit up in surprise. “Ben, what are you doing here?” He asks, all flustered. His heart skips in delight, never believing that he would see those baby blue eyes again. 

“I was coming to find you,” he answers softly, his words sounding so fragile as they lingered in the air. 

Callum swallowed a lump in his throat, “What about Abi?” He questions, with a tense shake of his voice. Ben is subconsciously full of bitterness and anger at the thought of Abi making him like this. 

“Abi doesn’t matter,” Ben tells him firmly. “I want you to come back.” 

Callum stares at the liquid in his tankard, suddenly finding the colour very appealing. “I think Abi did us a favour,” he admits timidly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ben scoffs.

Callum turns to look at Ben, a softened look in his eyes that conveys so many meanings but confirms for Ben exactly how Callum feels. “You know why,” he almost whispers. Ben can read exactly what he is saying. 

Callum clears his throat and talks in a normal volume. “She is going to be your wife after all. I shouldn’t really be around.”

“I don’t want Abi, I want  _ you _ ,” Ben admits instantly. 

Ben immediately swallows when Callum looks directly at him, into his eyes, a look of desire and something pretty magical shining in them. 

“Callum, you couldn’t do us a favour could you?” Mick strides over, bursting their bubble as both Ben and Callum painfully move their eyes away from each other. “You couldn’t go down to the cellars and change the barrel for us?”

Callum senses a light bulb moment, that there is a chance that he could be  _ alone _ with Ben. He agrees with a friendly smile followed by Mick calling him a lifesaver. Callum looks over at Ben to find that he is looking over at him expectantly, pouting slightly in confusion - the type of pout that makes Callum almost  _ weak _ at the knees.

“ _ Come with me, _ ” Callum signs to him, that only Ben would understand. It was so much more personal because Ben was the only one that would know what it means. 

With a flirtatious grin on his lips that makes his eyes sparkle, Callum walks away with a bounce in his step. Ben hastily darted his eyes across the pub to see if anyone was watching. But everyone was too engrossed with what they were doing to even notice him.  _ Except for Callum. _ Ben followed after Callum, pretty much stepping on his heel as they entered the cellar. 

Ben sat on one of the barrels with his legs swinging casually. He bit down on his bottom lip as he watched Callum bend over a barrel and noticed how tight and peachy his arse looked in those trousers. 

Callum stood up straight and let out a tired breath. Ben watched him carefully, “So are you going to come back?” 

Callum let out a sad sigh and turned to face Ben, “I can’t,” he admitted, his voice breaking.

“I can deal with Abi,” Ben ensures him, holding his hand out in front of him. “I want you back.” 

“But Abi will be there, as your wife,” he gulped. “And I don’t think I can watch that. It would hurt me too much. I’m sorry.”

Ben’s face softened and his eyes started to water. His heart dropped because it was confirmed that Callum was hurting just as much as he was. And they could be the ones to fix each other. 

“I don’t want to be with Abi,” Ben tells him straight, without hesitation. “I want to be with you. And if I can’t have you in my home then so be it, we can start afresh. I will be anywhere that you are.”

Callum let out a scoff of disbelief, “You know that we can’t.”

Ben raised his eyebrow challengingly, “Why not? We will just keep on the down low. We can run away and be together. _Please_ _Cal_.” 

His eyes were pleading with Callum, desperate for him to take him in his arms, to choose to live a life with him. Because he felt that if he didn’t have Callum, then his life would come to nothing. People would laugh, be happy, fall in love and get on with their lives around him, but not Ben. He would just be there as a constant reminder to himself that everything that he has ever loved had been snatched away from him.

But he was not prepared to let Callum go. 

He did not care that he would be an outcast, would get locked up or potentially killed if anyone ever knew. But at least he would have lived to have loved and to be loved right back. 

Those words may be unspoken but they both could not deny that they were both falling, quicker than what they had ever expected or even  _ imagined _ . They never knew that they could experience such beautiful feelings like this, that their souls connected and beat as  _ one _ .

Callum let out a slow breath, hearing his heart thumping and burning with fire that was full of passion and love. Callum knew that despite the rules of society in this horrible world, he would choose Ben  _ everytime _ . He walked over to Ben and his knees knocked with his, hesitant on whether he should move closer. 

“So you’ll leave Abi?” He presses.

Ben gave a firm nod of the head, “Yes, if it means that I can still have you in my life. Then yes, I would give it all up if it meant I could be with  _ you _ .” 

A warm expression flooded Callum’s face and a light brighter than the stars above the old damp cellar that they were standing in, was flickering across his eyes. However, he could not help but feel saddened at  _ exactly _ what Ben was about to be giving up. 

“What about Lexi?” Callum questioned, “She’s your daughter. What about your family? You won’t just be walking away from Abi, you’ll be walking away from your whole family Ben.” 

“Lexi will never know that she’s my daughter,” Ben smiles sadly. “Not in this lifetime anyway. I know that Jay and Lola will take care of her. 

“For so long, I have been trying to build the perfect home and the perfect family but I have never felt that it was perfect. Until you came along. You brought this light and happiness into my life and made me feel things and changed my life in many ways that I cannot even begin to explain. You are my home and my family and as long as I have you, that’s all I need.” 

Callum feels his eyes begin to well up and his heart starts to pour with rose petals as he had never felt so in love. He had never felt a feeling like this where all he could see was bright sunny meadows with colourful flowers and where the birds sing happily. He steps in between Ben’s legs and positions his hands on Ben’s face. He looks into Ben’s eyes, his eyes burning with his, building an eternal flame. 

“You make me so happy and I have never felt so alive. The world can change its rules all it wants, but I will always remain by your side, I will choose you everytime.” 

Ben feels his cheeks start to flush a happy shade of pink and there is the biggest grin on his face conveying how much he adores this man and would choose him in any life. He breathes in Callum’s scent and succumbs to the warmth that is radiating off Callum’s body. 

Ben subtly looks up at the ceiling for a moment and smirks, “Oh look, it’s mistletoe.” 

Callum looks up and lets out a loud snort as he just sees two thin branches appearing through a gap in the ceiling with a couple of stray green leaves. He looks back down at Ben, with such fondness reflecting in his eyes, “That’s not mistletoe you numpty,” he chuckles. “That’s just a loose hanging branch.” 

Ben’s cheeks started to turn a sour beetroot red. Despite Ben feeling like he just wanted his body to sink deep into the barrell, he could not help but grin, “Maybe I was trying to find a way for you to kiss me already.” 

“You only had to ask,” Callum smirks happily and licks his lips. 

When he leans forward and presses his lips with Ben’s, enveloping them in a deep and passionate kiss, they could instantly feel fireworks exploding in their hearts. It felt like New Year’s Eve where it was the beginning of a new chapter. They were pretty scared about what the future held for them, but their hearts still beat strong because they were  _ together _ .

The snow had started to fall outside, again. The perfect snow globe was piecing itself back together and it never looked more beautiful. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
